So many ideas....

I have so many ideas in my head I hardly know where to start! The homeschooling idea just simply won't escape my head and I have officially gotten the job that might make it all possible.  It's still full-time work but some of my job can be done at home and since the job starts very early in the day it brings me home pretty early in the day as well. Every day I lean more and more towards homeschooling, I get more and more frustrated by the work my children bring home and the lack of overall comprehension of a theme or idea. It feels like it's all memorization and preparation for testing and no creativity - no real learning. I am certain that I'm being biased at best..... But I still feel like there is so much missing.

One of my big concerns was/is my middle child. She seems to excel in the school environment ....loving to get perfect scores on papers and the teachers just glow about her. Student of the month, honor roll and all those things that make her feel good. But today I had a bit of an epiphany. She has a paper due in a few days and was in a complete meltdown about getting it typed and it being so perfect. Two things occurred to me:

1: I was baffled by the fact that they do all this work on computers and yet still in sixth grade she has no basic understanding of email and how it works. I would think that this would be a fairly valuable life skill to have.... She can navigate Instagram and iFunny and can't send an email? I suppose this could be entirely my fault but I would think that this is something they would have been introduced to by now. 

2: Far more importantly .....I realize that while she does well and loves to be "perfect"....she is so wrapped up in that perfect score and doing everything just so it concerns me.  When and where does she learn that it doesn't have to be perfect. That it isn't always black-and-white - there isnt always a "right" answer. I get that in math 2+2 is always going to equal four. But for her homework last night she had to define some words about ancient Egypt. She had forgotten her text and so we took the definitions out of the dictionary (what a novel concept). She took her time and worked hard at it and I sent a note to the teacher explaining what her definitions might be slightly different. Today she spent her class copying the "correct" definitions out of her textbook. According to her there was no actual lesson about any of these words or their context. And while her definitions weren't significantly different, she needed to have the ones out of the textbook for them to be "right". Meanwhile she still doesn't really know what irrigation is, what it's for, where it came from, how it was developed or anything. So what did my daughter really learn the last two days? Aren't I just feeding into her issues about being "right" or being "perfect" by sending her to the school and going along with these ideas?? 

There is still so much to think about - but every day I feel like there's more and more evidence to me that the schools can't truly give my children what I want them to have out of an education. At the end of the day will they get that piece of paper that gets them into college? Probably - but what will they have lost along the way? 

I truly hope that this job helps me to start on my homeschooling journey. That I can find a way to give my girls more. That I can believe that I am the right person for the job. And know in my heart that what is best for my children is not a piece of paper or the belief that they can be perfect..... But a desire to learn and grow through experiences and experiments and sometimes falling down and picking yourself back up. What possible better way to learn than that.  

I need more faith, more strength, and certainly plenty of suggestions. Leave any of it here for me ......

This is supposed to be a quote from Andy Rooney (who I think is awesome!).

Whether it is or not - it says a lot about being forty, and points out a few of those things that are great about it that I am just figuring out.  Check it out:

Andy Rooney's thoughts on women over forty, Do you agree with him?: As I grow in age, I value women who are over forty most of all. Here are just a few reasons why: A woman over forty will never wake you in the middle of the night to ask, “What are you thinking?” She doesn’t care what you think. If a woman over forty doesn’t want to watch the game, she doesn’t sit around whining about it. She does something she wants to do. And, it’s usually something more interesting. A woman over forty knows herself well enough to be assured in who she is, what she is, what she wants and from whom. Few women past the age of forty give a hoot what you might think about her or what she’s doing. Women over forty are dignified. They seldom have a screaming match with you at the opera or in the middle of an expensive restaurant. Of course, if you deserve it, they won’t hesitate to shoot you, if they think they can get away with it. Older women are generous with praise, often undeserved. They know what it’s like to be unappreciated. A woman over forty has the self-assurance to introduce you to her women friends. A younger woman with a man will often ignore even her best friend because she doesn’t trust the guy with other women. Women over forty couldn’t care less if you’re attracted to her friends because she knows her friends won’t betray her. Women get psychic as they age. You never have to confess your sins to a woman over forty. They always know. A woman over forty looks good wearing bright red lipstick. This is not true of younger women. Once you get past a wrinkle or two, a woman over forty is far sexier than her younger counterpart. Older women are forthright and honest. They’ll tell you right off if you are a jerk, if you are acting like one! You don’t ever have to wonder where you stand with her. Yes, we praise women over forty for a multitude of reasons. Unfortunately, it’s not reciprocal. For every stunning, smart, well-coiffed hot woman of forty-plus, there is a bald, paunchy relic in yellow pants making a fool of himself with some twenty-two-year-old waitress. Ladies, I apologize. For all those men who say, “Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free,” here’s an update for you. Now 80 percent of women are against marriage, why? Because women realize it’s not worth buying an entire pig, just to get a little sausage.

Wait a minute.... we weren't supposed to talk about this forty thing again were we?

 

I might be a little crazy

Okay ... I'm doing the research.  I am reading this book:

and even though it is outdated it's been pretty helpful.  I think it's a little biased in a few areas too - but hey what do I know.

I found a few groups on Facebook - even one where parents work and homeschool, which is of course what I would have to do since I am broke and will probably be so for a while yet.

I got totally overwhelmed when I read the NYS regulations about homeshooling.  Ack!!!

I want to give up the whole idea.

For clarification The whole idea in fact is to "hackschool"  (See THIS post) by getting out of Dodge NY for a year and teach my kids on the road.  I don't want them to be forty and never have seen anything but the east coast.  Never have seen the Grand Canyon.  Never have even met some of their cousins. 

There are quite a few things standing in my way - ya know - like the job and the money.  But I am working on it.  In the meantime, I am thinking about a tiny home, and homeschooling.  And I am thinking I can't do it again.  But I just read THIS. Here's an excerpt:

"The hardest thing for me was sending my kids to school but refusing to do the inane homework they had in their folders. It was a mixed message to the kids, which I tried to cover up, but in reality, it was a mixed life I was living: doing things that I didn't actually believe in.
The real reason I started homeschooling was that I didn't want my kids to know I had to tell myself a million little lies to send them to school every day."

And that is it.  Exactly.  I don't want to do stupid pointless homework with my kids after they (and I) have had a very long day.  If I am going to teach them I want to do a lot of cool interesting stuff. Science experiments and roadtrips.   Not rehash a book that my kid read in 45 minutes.  She can read.  I know that.  And if you didn't have 30+ kids in your class you would know that too.  It's the one thing I can guarantee that she doesn't need help with.  So if you want me to do work with her let me do what I want.  Not what you dictate. And that is never going to happen.  So back on the homeschooling bandwagon I go.

Am I crazy?  Nah - don't answer that.  I think we both know the answer .  :)

Not Today.

I spent far too many years in an abusive relationship.  When I left my girls were 11, 4 and 1.  What motivated me the most was that I didn't want them to grow up believing that what there were seeing was love.  I wanted to be very clear that when someone LOVES you they don't ABUSE you.  I can only pray that I got that message across.

I bring this up today because I saw this:

I knew what was coming, so it didn't totally knock the wind out of me, but it's so damn sad.  That last line - that there isn't only one victim, is so true.  I can see it in my girls, more often than I would like.

I judged women who were abused most of my life. I just didn't understand.  Until it was me.  Until I woke up one day and realized that the man I thought I loved more than anything, the man that I had pledged to spend the rest of my life with, was an abuser.   You pretend, every day, that its okay, that tomorrow will be better, for so long.  It truly snuck up on me.  And suddenly I was one of them.  A victim.  Now I am survivor - but the road is a long and frightening one.  And I hope that if you are being abused, that you can find the strength to leave.  But if you don't have it today - I understand. 

I spent many of those years thinking I was garbage, and ended up very depressed.  Since I hate to leave being all depressing like I wanted to share this as well.

School and why it sucks.

I just read this article on Readers Digest basically about Why Our Schools Suck.   Of course that is not the title, but it just got me all worked up again about WHY AM I NOT HOMESCHOOLING?!?!

It happens that my middle child seems to really enjoy school, and the structure that it gives her, so that mollifies me for the moment, but honestly I KNOW it's not going to work for my youngest. 

I originally got all fired up after watching this TedTalk:

In fact, my book shelf has indicated my interest in homeschooling for over a decade, but I never thought I could do it.  As part of my new years resolution, I am looking at everything as something I CAN do.... so now I just have to figure out if it's the right thing for me.  Either way - check it out... I would love to hear about your experiences with it if you have any!

Dreams of less...

I have spent most of the,  last two days looking at tiny homes, and ideas of living fuller lives with less STUFF.  I get it.  I have a lot of STUFF.  Way too much in fact.  I have realized that probably the very first step in all these crazy ideas is getting rid of a lot of said 'stuff'.

In my travels throughout the internet I found some really cool spaces that inspire me ....

This is my favorite:








And this:














But what I also found was some really cool people, that really properly explain or embody what my dream is really all about.  Like this guy Graham Hill - although he did it rich - which I feel makes it a little easier.

These two girls not only have a fantastic blog that really details SO many things that I have questions about!  I can't wait to see more from them, but what I really loved is where they explain the WHY's  right HERE.

So maybe that helps you understand.  The Tiny House, the Homeschooling, the wanting to do MORE.  That is what I have Found at Forty... that none of that STUFF is making me happier, and it's not making me a better parent, so now what?  I dream on - of living with less.  And I work on having a little less STUFF.

Dream on folks!

How to Pray

Now let me just say from the start that I do not consider myself an authority on this in any way shape or form.  Nor am I talking about the technical aspect here - as in do you get on your knees? or do you pray while driving? or do you talk out loud or in your head?  (In a house? With a mouse?)  No... I have no real thoughts on this, although I have had people tell me that getting on your knees makes it different for them.  I haven't tried it more than a handful of times so I have no opinion on this.  (Me?  I have no opinion on something?  Really?)

What I do want to talk about is how to 'properly' pray for something.  Here's the scenario.....I have heard that I am in the running for a promotion.  One that I really really want, based on the hours and the raise and a few other minor details, like the company car that goes with it.  And I want to discuss this situation with God.  But I have a few problems with the actually praying/conversing part.

First off - I try not to ask for stuff when I am praying. It being selfish and all.  So I don't want to say.... Hey God I REALLY want this job - you think you could help me out here?  Yeah - that doesn't really work for me.

Second - I am pretty sure that God KNOWS what I want, and frankly, what I want may not be what is best for me.  In asking for what I want, I might be way off base with whatever God may have planned for me.  Based on past experience, whatever God has in store for me is usually about a thousand times better then whatever brilliant ideas I have in my head.  So I should really just leave that alone.

Third - If I am sure that God has a plan, and it's good for me then I just have to wait for it to unfold right?  So I need to be patient.  But I was told a LOOOONG time ago never to pay for patience (or tolerance) because it's not like God just waves a magic wand and says, "Hey - there you go.  You are now more patient."  If I ask for patience, then I am given lots of opportunities to LEARN patience, like long lines, or traffic jams.  Uh... no thank you.  So ixnay on the paying for patience.

So what's left?  Faith I guess.  Faith in God's plan, God's timing, all of that.  So what I came up with is to simply ask God to help me walk in faith.  I didn't ask for Faith mind you - I don't need any testing or opportunities to have my faith tested thank you very much.  I am just asking that God help me stay strong in my faith.  I am probably just splitting hairs - but I really wanted to have some conversation with God about this, and it's the best I could do. We shall see I guess....I am open to other ideas... how do you pray?

Walking in faith (at least for the next five minutes... then I will have to pray all over again)....